To the Best of Our Knowledge Presents: Death (A Five-Part Series)
Sara Nics explains the impetus behind this show... a lifetime of attempting to make peace with the stories we tell ourselves.
Thanks you for your deeply moving commentary about your mother and the challenge of dealing with a mother addicted to fabricating a story of life-long victimization.
... my mother was less about fabricating her stories of victimization, but more about trying to live out or recreate a story from her youth--and then requiring that we all play the parts that she had written for us...
In other words--her goal was to tell our stories for us.. and not only that.. to try and convince us that what we wanted was to play these roles... and she would use violence (primarily mental and emotional) to get her way...
However.. what I would say is that despite such mothers... we write our own stories..
Despite obvious influence on us.. we do not have to write the sequel to our parents.. whether such a sequel is continuing their story or doing the exact opposite...
We can just write an entirely different and unique story.. in fact.. if we just, as Tyler Durden would say, LET GO... we can finally tell such stories...
So do so... Your story is not your mother.. it may contain part of your mother.. but it is not her and it will not become her.. You are you... so just be you..
I feel really connected to the things expressed in this piece. The stories we create for ourselves and others is a kind of affliction that cannot really yield anything but suffering.
Recently, however, I began to practice meditation and, as Eckhart Tolle talks about extensively, I began to experience myself as neither my thoughts, nor my emotions, but as an awareness that lies beyond both. As Sara stated at the end of her segment, I feel this awareness is not a story, it's not anything I can actually describe because it lies beyond words. And when i experience this awareness, I can only describe it as calm, quiet truth. The truth of me as an inextricable part of everything.
This can be quite unnerving to the mind. Such a useful tool it is, the mind. But also a temporary one that can malfunction in a thousand ways. I find my mind getting scared as I concern myself less and less with who I think I am and strive to establish a stronger, more direct connection with what I am.
I'm no longer apart or unique in that reassuring, flashy "story of me" kind of way. I'm consciousness, eternal consciousness. One of my cats rubs her face against my foot and creation feels it through me. I become aware of the sunlight warming my toes without the words of it arranging themselves in any sort of order.
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